Breastfeeding and the Blues

After having yet another breakdown the other night I decided to write about my stresses to just get it out, it has always helped me in the past to journal about things - I have not kept a journal for years but for me once its out on "paper" it helps relieve some of the stress.   Before Emily arrived I would talk to probably one mom a day about breastfeeding giving whatever advice I knew from the books - never having done it myself, so I knew it was not going to be easy.  I had no idea just now difficult it was going to be though, but I am stubborn enough to keep going - unfortunately Emily is just as stubborn :)

Our difficulties started from day one, we had a hard labor and delivery that resulted in Emily having a fever, broken clavicle, and swallowing ALOT of fluid.  This caused her to be very sleepy, in pain, and very sick (lots and lots of spit up and a sore tummy).  She was too sleepy to be interested in eating right after birth (plus her tummy was full of fluid).  Then she had to stay in the nursery overnight, the nurses would not bring her out to me, due to the large amounts of spit up they wanted to watch her closely because she was choking on it at times.  Positioning was made difficult because of her painful injury.  Due to the delay in her eating, we ended up having to start by training her how to suck. 

We had to train her with finger feeding.  We would place a finger in her mouth, and let her suck, pushing her tongue down to the proper position when needed to get the correct suck.  After she got the hang of moving her tongue correctly then we started to use a syringe to give her some food.  A big hurdle was over, she now knew how to suck, we just needed to get her to the breast and now almost 6 weeks later this is still my struggle.  We started the process using a nipple shield, a plastic nipple placed over mine - this hits the roof of her mouth right away to trigger the natural suck reflex.  We still had to teach her that food now comes from the breast area and not our fingers, this was again done by syringe.  When someone was able to help me, they would syringe food behind the shield or into her mouth.  When I was alone, I used a supplemental feeding system (SNS) to assist me.  The SNS was basically a bottle with a feeding tube attached, the end of the tube would be placed by the nipple so Emily would still get food.  Emily had to have food in the shield constantly to keep nursing/sucking, when she would stop sucking on her own we would have to fill the shield with food to get her to start sucking and feeding on her own again.  After about 4 days, she got the hang of things with the nipple shield and would nurse using it without needing help.  She had learned that this is where food comes from.  She was still very fussy with feedings at this point, I failed to mention before that when she was hungry, she would get fussy and since she was not getting food right away she got even more fussy and would "freak out" searching for food.  This would go on for 10-40 min. before she would latch on with the shield and eat.

As of today, she still needs the shield (I lovingly call it the plasti boob) and her "freaking out" before feedings is now at most 5-10 min but does not happen at all with some feedings.  Emily has also been started on a prescription reflux medication, so I don't know how much of the fussiness before was from reflux pain  and how much was because food was not instant.  Things have gotten better since using the medication though.  Occasionally Emily will latch on without the shield, but not consistently and I don't know what is different the times she decides to.  I honestly can not stand the shield (it creates problems of its own, sliding, falling off, etc.) and hope that one day I can toss them!   

And for the Blues, I have the "baby blues"  and it sucks!  I know most of my overwhelmed feeling, frustration, and stress comes from breastfeeding.  Most of the times when I break down is after a difficult feeding and I am left feeling inadequate, I feel like I was made to be able to feed my baby and I can't!  I would say that 3 times a week I break down because of breastfeeding issues.  I have been told by many that its not worth it anymore once you are not enjoying your baby, and becomes too much of a burden.  I just feel that it's what is best for her, and even though it stresses me out at times and to be honest on the worst days I dread the next feeding.  But once she gets latched on and nursing I love the time we have together, I know I get to bond with and snuggle her for the next 30-45 min.  And I know that nursing has become comforting for her, on her fussy days she will want to nurse more and stays latched on well after she is getting any food, nursing for comfort.  So even though I have difficulties accepting that we have to use the shield and I don't know what is wrong when it takes extended time to get her to latch on, Emily enjoys it in the end. 

I definetly just have "blue" days for no apparent reason also, nobody tells you before hand that it is so life changing in so many ways to have a baby.  I would never change a thing, but it is trying at times.  I feel very overwhelmed at times and have become much more anxious and paranoid about things since Emily has entered my life.  Many of my worries involve her, all those "what if" things in life.  I'm sure as time goes on, this will get better and the "blues" will resolve. 

I just wanted to get out everything that was overwhelming me with this post, more for me than anything else.  But also many people don't know what a difficult time I have had with everything and this may help others understand why some days I am not myself and why I have been so distant to some.  I spent almost the first month after Emily was born in my room with her.  I would get out to go to my sisters or parents occasionally but I failed to return friends calls and would only leave the house when needed (doctors appointments for Emily or we really needed diapers).  All for fear of breaking down and letting it all out in public.  One day when I went in for Emily's weight check at the doctors office that I work at I started crying when a friend asked how I was doing, no words came out just tears.  To most people I always respond I'm just tired when asked how I am, this really means I'm tired, hungry, overwhelmed, on the verge of tears, and I'm having a "blue" day.  She was a close friend and I knew I could not hide it, and I just started to cry.  The last week or two have been much better overall.  I've set up lunches with friends and have been out of the house much more, I am having more good days than "blue" ones.