Things are starting to slowly get back to "normal", or however normal life can be with a 9 mo old and 2.5 yr old! :) I am having more good than bad days, and not feeling so tense and overwhelmed ALL the time. I still have my moments and days but I feel like I can see the light at the end and I am getting closer and closer to feeling like I did before I had Will.
Will's birth was not a normal one, and again most do not know all the circumstances surrounding it, but to sum it all up without grossing anyone out his birth was an emergency c-section for his safety. Will needed to be resuscitated after birth and then was in the NICU for a week for antibiotics and breathing issues, we think infection caused but nothing is known for sure. He was in the normal newborn nursery after birth for almost 48 hours before being transferred. Once in the NICU (newborn intensive care unit) we really could not hold him as much as we wanted and I really felt a different bond to him as with Emily, a lack of a bond.
It was heart breaking to have to leave him at the hospital and go home and now we were visitors of his, only able to stay for a few hours at a time (if we were lucky). It was so difficult to care for a toddler and try and be at the hospital as much as possible for Will. I do not know what we would have done without my parents to help us, and keep Emily for a whole week and let us move in as well when Will was still in the hospital. It was such a blessing to be 5 min from the hospital instead of 25! We did not have to do laundry, cook, or do any other daily activities. Could visit will and come back to see Emily and eat and try and get some sleep. Recovery from the C-section was very difficult for me, and I was really not expecting that on top of everything else!
Anyways, I have to analyze everything, I really think that my body never had the "normal" hormone response during and after birth and defiantly not a normal recovery and I did not get all that newborn mother baby bonding time and breastfeeding issues resulted as well as the depression. I had the baby blues at first, I did with Emily too, but at about 8 weeks after Will was born I realized these "blues" were here to stay and they were MUCH more severe than the blues I had with Emily. And I would hate myself for the thoughts I was having, and lack of motivation, and everything else that went along with it. That would make everything worse, I knew my kids deserved much more and so it was just a horrible cycle. I knew I needed help when I was crying one night and just wanted to leave everything behind, just walk out of the house and not have to deal with it all. That is really hard to admit.
So I got help, and was put on an anti-depressant, and things have slowly VERY SLOWLY started to turn around. I do not love the fact that I have to take medicine everyday to be able to function and feel normal but I know that I deserve to feel good and my kids deserve a mom who interacts with them and plays with them and cuddles and loves on them.
On my bad days I just feel tense all day, "down", and totally overwhelmed. The littlest things cause me to loose it, I was yelling at Emily so much. I would feel awful about that and then just be super depressed and just not even be able to get out of bed at times. I would put on the TV in our room and Em and I would lay in bed and I would hold Will and feed him and let him sleep in my arms. We have got our moneys work of watch now on Netflix, that is for sure! It was a chore to just to get us all fed during the day. Cleaning the house, laundry, and everything else just did not get done. I was doing just enough to keep us going for another day, I would get us (or at least Emily) fed and most days that was it.
It was too much to get out of the house, I had to fake everything and put on a smile for hours on end if we left the house. I could never let anyone know how bad it really was. After all I just had a baby, you are suppose to be all happy and in love with your baby and feel blessed and joyful It was just too much work to leave the house, and the times that we did because we needed to I was a completely drained emotionally after we got back home. We would only be gone for an hour or so at a time and that was all I could take. After trying to survive like this for a few weeks/months I finally opened up to my closest family and friends and that did help, I no longer had to fake it with them. I could be honest and that provided a few "safe havens" and people I could be around without having to work so hard when we were out of the house. I really helped to have that, because I really did need to get out of the house.
I am so thankful to have a close friend and my sister that I can open up to about how I am really feeling and can just vent. I am VERY thankful to have Paul, he has been amazing through all of this. He has not said anything about the state of the house, or having to dig through laundry piles to find socks in the morning. He has been understanding and helps out with the kids when he gets home from work. He works a full time very demanding job and then comes home to take care of us and me when I am at home all day and should be taking care of the house. I am one lucky girl to have such an amazing husband who loves me so much and loves his family so much. He has put up with 9 months of chaos around here. And I have not been the easiest person to be around during this time either.
The last week or two I have really started to feel like a new person! I have so much more energy, have had happy days, and instead of being so tense and anxious all day it is just when I start to get overwhelmed. I no longer start the day in a state of being overwhelmed. I still have a long ways to go but it is refreshing to start to feel "normal" again :)
Will has been a challenging baby. I do not know if it is the fact that he can play on his own for short periods now, starting to sleep for 5 hrs at night, or hormones finally starting to re-balance or a combination of everything.
As most of you know I am no stranger to depression, dealing with my fair share in the teen years and into college. I thought that I had passed that point in my life and gladly left it in my past. I never imagined how severe postpartum depression would be or could be. What I have experienced in the past 9 months was a thousand times worse than my darkest day as a teen.
I am blessed to have the amazing family that I do, and LOVE my husband and kids SO MUCH. I am glad that I am starting to enjoy life again and now during night time feedings my tears are of joy. I look down at the little man I am feeding and feel so blessed that he is here with us, we came so close to loosing him.
I feel a little more free after getting this all out, or getting out some of what has been going on in my head. Now lets see if I can find some recent pictures to share. I can not believe how much Em and Will are growing and changing every day. Some of my biggest regrets of all of this is that I do not have the daily pictures of Will as I did with Emily. But I am trying not to kick myself while I am down, and just getting on with things. I could go on and on about all my "regrets" of having to deal with everything...
EASTER MORNING
Cuddling in bed
Childrens Mueseum
(((HUGS))) Love ya.
ReplyDeleteJust read this...I'm a bit late. Thank you so much for sharing-I will be praying for you. Love you!
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